Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
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Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants