Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
You Might Also Like
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
This trial is so absurd 😭
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?