pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.
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The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
⚰
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.