Pro tip:

Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.

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It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.


Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?


Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.


I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans


Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.


They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.