@crunchenhanced

Pro tip:

Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.

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@mommajessiec

It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.

@markydoodoo

Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?

@SexyInsomniac

Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.

@70Ceeks

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

@mortimermaiden

Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.

@Loli_Sug

They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.