Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
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*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Very good! 👍😂
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me: