Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
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There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
your honor my client chooses dare
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.