Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
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Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Ion see the issue
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
j o i m p
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.