Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
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[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children