Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
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You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”