Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
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If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Jogging
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
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