Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
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Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Last-minute gift idea!
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
me and who
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
some things should go without saying
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
When I said I liked it rough.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
🤣dope
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.