Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
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Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.