Pro tip for my good boys out there
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I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
😭😭😭😭
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.