Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
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In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.