Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
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Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Big Sex has us all fooled
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
This one’s “Alex”.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.