Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
You Might Also Like
Any refunds available?…
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Very good! 👍😂
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.