@lawyerthoughts

Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.

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@iamspacegirl

Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so

@BuckyIsotope

My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.

@GordoHelio

Job interview…

H- “So how would you describe yourself?”

Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..

@jonnysun

[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always

@BAKKOOONN

luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something

@pixelatedboat

I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state

@a_simpl_man

Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.

@_Kim_Jongun

How does North Korea only have four medals so far?

We’re the best at everything.

We even fed our athletes this time.

@daemonic3

It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?

It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.