Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.

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Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so


My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.


Job interview…

H- “So how would you describe yourself?”

Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..


[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always


luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something


I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state


Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.


How does North Korea only have four medals so far?

We’re the best at everything.

We even fed our athletes this time.


It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?

It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.