Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
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I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Oh hi lol
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.