Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
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Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Not today.. 😂
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
“HELP WITH CAT”
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
i can’t wait that long
