Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
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Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
some Old Testament wisdom
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there