Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
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Fluff me with a fork baby
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.