Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
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Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Omg 🤣
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown