Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
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Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.