Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
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12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
What flavor cupcake are these
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.