@FriedsonAndrew

Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.

Fight 🔥 with 🔥

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@TheWoodenslurpy

I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.

@girlontapas

My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.

Him: Being a teenager is tough.

Me: *sigh* I’m 40.

@BrianneKohl

My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.

ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.

@CulturedRuffian

INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:

1) Know when to hold em.

2) Know when to fold em.

3) Know when to walk away.

4) Know when to run.

@ddsmidt

Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.

Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.

@DothTheDoth

To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”

@iscoff

The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations

@trevso_electric

If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”

@kelkulus

Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.