Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
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Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
reminder
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.