Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
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*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry