Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
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(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣