Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
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[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*