Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
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My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road