Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.

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Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.


Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”


When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.


Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…

That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…


THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog

ME: Ok

[next week]


ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog


If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.


7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today

6yo: Ok!

Me: *holy shit yessss*


Me: Right. Of course.


A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.


[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!