Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
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Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Don’t we all.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Mood.. 😂
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies