Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
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[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
How did we not see this back then?
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.