Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
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Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
My mother鈥檚 relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they鈥檒l decrypt together.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…馃悎馃悎
#TuesdayMotivaton
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn鈥檛 try at all, did he?
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
so apparently it鈥檚 still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don鈥檛 know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you鈥檙e a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I鈥檓 putting you in a home.
DAD: We鈥檙e already in someones home.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I鈥檒l throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don鈥檛 want to play catch with me dad
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
馃悤馃嵎
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Who else does this 馃う馃徑馃槀
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What鈥檚 a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you鈥檙e wearing today.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice