Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
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Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.