@TheBoydP

Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

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@squirrel74wkgn

[dinner w/friends]

“How long you two been married?”

It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.

@ericsshadow

Doctor: How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

@Home_Halfway

Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.

@DanMentos

“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon

@idontuseapick

*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*

@MedusaOusa

I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.

@liljonlovitz

[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look

@Rollinintheseat

Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”

@Darlainky

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.

@PaperWash

6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]

me: [hides behind GF]

GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-

me: look, we need more strong female lead char-