Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
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So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
felt that
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.