@squirrel74wkgn [dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
@TheBoydP Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
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@squirrel74wkgn 
@ericsshadow Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
@Home_Halfway Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
@DanMentos “How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
@idontuseapick *hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
@MedusaOusa I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
@liljonlovitz [me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
@Rollinintheseat Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
@Darlainky My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
@PaperWash 6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-