Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
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Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
taking June’s advice to heart
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*