Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
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Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man