Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
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[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.