Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
You Might Also Like
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?