Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
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Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*