Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
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You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
*Seductively hides in the woods
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.