Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.

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I’ve been yelling for years.

Now I’m convinced.

I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.


I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy


*scampers over to ice cream truck*

Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.


“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you


Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too


What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.


My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair


Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side


Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…