Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
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The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Seems legit
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!