Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
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Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Mornin
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.