Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.

I know this now.

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If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again


I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.


“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”


“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me


7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away


SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.


say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets