Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
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BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.