Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
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Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Extremely relatable.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.