@Shade510 Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
@UnFitz Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
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@Shade510 
@Reverend_Scott Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
@Just_Wanjiru My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
@ItsAndyRyan Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
@Ygrene [to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
@LoveNLunchmeat PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
@legendofchelda Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
@ddsmidt Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
@danjan13 I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
@imkrisyim animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that