Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
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If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.