@UnFitz

Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”

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@Shade510

Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.

@Reverend_Scott

Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.

Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.

*hair is super let down*

@Just_Wanjiru

My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.

@ItsAndyRyan

Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.

@Ygrene

[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister

@LoveNLunchmeat

PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.

@legendofchelda

Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie

@ddsmidt

Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.

Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.

@danjan13

I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.

@imkrisyim

animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that