If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
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Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
I’ll eat when I’m dead
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”