Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
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Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
My purse is deeper than some people.