Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.

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Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.


In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.


Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.


Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.


Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we

Pirate: No


My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’


They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.


Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.


To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing