@E_lok44

Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.

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@ozzyunc

Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.

@Cpin42

In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.

@BuckyIsotope

Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.

@Tw1tter_K1tten

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

@newLettuce

Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we

Pirate: No

@skedaddle74

My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’

@UncleDuke1969

They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.

@robfee

Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.

@lenadunham

To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing