Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
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[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
This is hilarious….
Care for your back
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me: