Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
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Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Flock of bats
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
“and how does that make you feel?”