PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
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“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Good morning.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.