Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
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*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Never let them know your next move 😂
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
FRED: right