Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
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Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.