Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
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Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.